When You Feel Like the Villain
No matter how hard you try not to.
Relationships can be tricky, whether platonic or romantic. People have different traits, expectations, priorities, and triggers, so disagreements are bound to occur. Some personalities and attachment styles simply do not mesh well together. Fears and insecurities can also cause people to lash out and create conflict.
But what do you do when someone you thought was close to tells you you’re a horrible, selfish person? Not just once, but repeatedly?
Maybe they directly say this, or maybe they act like every action of yours has some insidious intent to it. You were only trying to help. but they never believe that.
So you wonder…
Could you be the villain?
You’re ruminating on this relationship, perhaps have Taylor Swift’s “Anti-Hero” on repeat. Maybe you really are the problem. Chances are, if you’re ruminating on this so much to be reading this, you may not be.
Take a look at all your relationships…if your partner is acting like you’re a heartless monster when your past partners, friends, and family think you’re the sweetest, you may not be the issue. Different types of relationships can of course vary and reveal different personas, but it’s important to think of examples instead of taking insults at face value. Some relationships can simply be abusive and toxic, and there’s nothing for you to do but get out.
Why was your partner mad? Was it reasonable? Did it happen repeatedly? Did they listen to your side of the story? Did they constantly misunderstand you? Did they bad-mouth you to others instead of bringing your relationship issues to you? Did they only do nice things when you were trying to leave? Did they act like they were blameless? Did they force expectations on you that they themselves do not follow? Did they respect your boundaries? Did they project their negative traits onto you?
Take a look at your actions as well. Were you critical and demeaning? Were you initiating or were you reacting? Were you communicating your needs in a positive way? Were you trying to understand where your partner was coming from? While you don’t need to spend months ruminating, it’s good to take note of what mindset you were coming from and what negative habits you may have been contributing as well.
Don’t surround yourself with people who paint you as a monster.
If someone spends a good chunk of their time insulting and criticizing you…stop letting them do so. If they truly think this poorly of you, they shouldn’t want to be around you to incessantly share their multitude of negative insights.
Some people will only bring you down. You need people who lift you up. The right person should allow you to shine instead of dimming your light. If you find your personality and interests disappearing due to a person, that’s not a good sign.
People can interpret things differently and get in negative headspaces, but that does not give them an excuse to hurt you. They may be struggling but that doesn’t mean they have to take it out on other people. Sometimes, you have to take care of yourself instead of someone else.
Reflect, breathe, and do the best you can.
It can be difficult to get a feel of things when you are in the moment, but after giving yourself time away from the situation, hopefully, you can realize that if someone is making you feel like a bad person when you don’t want to be, they don’t need to be in your life.
If you are obsessing over whether you’re the “monster on the hill” that no one wants to be around, you’ll be likely to distance yourself from the people who do care about you and miss out on their lives. You’ll distance yourself from hobbies and other things you love. This prevents you from being the best person that you can be. There’s no need to keep focusing on someone that only brings you pain.
Besides, there is more to life than romance. You don’t need someone to complete you. If you recently ended a relationship that wasn’t bringing you peace, it’s okay to be single and focus your attention on other aspects of your life. Hang out with friends, volunteer, or take up a new hobby. If you’re still reeling over the relationship, therapy can be a good option to recover and learn more about yourself.
We all have things that we can improve, but if you’re trying, you’re trying. Surround yourself with people who can acknowledge this while also helping you better yourself. These people know how to be supportive but also honest. Insults won’t get you anywhere, but constructive criticism, empathy, and open communication can.
Truth is, we can’t get along with everyone. As long as you’re willing to admit your faults and work on them, you’re doing what you can to better yourself. Stay humble and willing to learn, but don’t succumb to someone’s misconstrued opinions of you. Some people may not view you positively, but the most important perspective is your own. If you don’t want to be the villain, then don’t be. Choose to be kind and empathetic.
